Forever, Actually...Chapter 6

“Mine!” Abbie squealed, reaching for the toy, which she immediately clutched to her chest. Russ smiled, feeling oddly gratified. Then he turned his gaze to an understandably poleaxed Meg.

“Um…am I to interpret that as an apology for running out yesterday?”

Yeah, he’d figured that was coming. Meg was nothing if not one sharp cookie. But how could he possibly explain the conflicting impulses about to drive him crazy? That she was about to drive him crazy? That he couldn’t figure out whether he’d be more miserable with her, or without her? So instead he smiled for the baby, currently strangling the hapless rabbit, an image which nearly tore his heart in two. And sidestepped the question altogether.

“Nova has this bug up her butt about you and Abbie coming to dinner this evening,” he said, looking back at Meg. “And arguing with a pregnant woman is not on my agenda, believe me.”

To his relief, Meg laughed. A warm, wonderful, clearly irrepressible sound that seemed to come from the depths of her soul. “Smart man—”

“And maybe the zoo beforehand? It’s not far from there to my sister’s house. Um, I have her car. And a car seat.”

She tilted her head. The sun caressed her curls, and Russ ached. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because… Because it’s a beautiful day and it’s been far too long since I did something normal like go to the zoo. And going alone sucks.”

And maybe, if I spend the day with you, I’ll get you out of my system.

Then she smiled, putting the sun to shame, and he thought, Yeah. Good luck with that.

***
Although they still chattered at each other almost nonstop the entire afternoon, Meg sensed an edge to their conversation that hadn’t been there the day before. Almost as if this little outing was a test of some sort.

But for whom? And what, exactly, was the test?

Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Russ with Abbie, who was on his shoulders so she could see the giraffes better over the crowd. His ease and competence with her was amazing for someone with no kids of his own, no nieces or nephews or younger siblings to practice on. Unless he’d babysat a lot when he was younger?

Or…maybe that whole clicking thing had just been a figment of her overwrought imagination and Russ was actually no more The One than the other losers she managed to attract. Or marry.

What are you up to? she wanted to ask. What’s your game?

Then he looked over, almost as if he’d heard her, with a half smile and such a weird blend of joy and pain in his eyes she lost her breath.

About two and a half seconds before she lost her heart.

Which immediately shot to the top of the list of all the crazy, lamebrained, off-the-wall things she’d done in her life. Seriously, even for her this was a doozy.

Two hours later, they arrived at Nova’s cute little Cape Cod in Brookline. Nova hugged Meg, then squatted in front of Abbie to give her another stuffed toy. A duck, this time.

“You guys really don’t have to do this,” Abbie said, inhaling the mouthwatering scents of tomato sauce and garlic and browning butter. “She’s going to expect every person she meets to give her a toy! Oh! You have a high chair for her?”

“It’s…borrowed,” Nova said, touching Meg’s shoulders as she moved to the kitchen.

“From the same people who lent Russ the car seat?”

“Um, yes, actually. Will she eat lasagna? Because I can always fix her something else.”

“Are you kidding? This kid eats everything. Just like her mama.” She laughed. “Now I’m really glad Russ wasn’t up to arguing with a pregnant woman—it smells fantastic in here!”

She turned just as Russ tore his gaze away from his sister to give her a quick, nervous smile that set off all kinds of alarms.

***
“Ohmigosh—I’ve talked your ears off since we left your sister’s house!” Meg said with a light laugh from the passenger seat. “Guess I’m a little wound up. Fun days and good food will do that to me. So I’ll be quiet now. Your turn.”

Nearly back to Meg’s house, the baby asleep in the car seat behind him, Russ glanced over to catch Meg’s irrepressible grin. A grin that was tearing him to pieces. “It’s okay,” he said softly, turning on Meg’s street. “I didn’t have much to say, anyway.”

“Yeah, I kinda caught that.” She paused. “Any particular reason?”

Where would she like him to start? He was trying, he really was. And Meg was great. Beyond great. Despite the leftover hurt lingering in her eyes when she talked about Abbie’s father, it hadn’t left her even remotely bitter. Cautious, sure, but not bitter. But, see, that was the problem. His problem.

Because the more he was around all that unbridled joy and passion for life, the more he felt like a boring old pook who could never really be what she needed.

A boring old pook with stuff in his past he couldn’t seem to shake, no matter how hard he tried. How much he wanted to. Yeah, yeah, he’d told himself today was all about getting Meg and Abbie out of his system. Except it had backfired, big-time, as both baby and mama unwittingly wrapped themselves around his little finger.

His heart.

Now in front of Meg’s house, Russ dragged a hand down his face before forcing himself to meet her questioning eyes. “I haven’t exactly been honest with you.”

“Oh?”

He looked back over the dark street, smiling a little when Abbie sighed in her sleep.

“I had a great time today, too,” he said. “Maybe too great. See, I’ve kinda been out of the loop for a while, too. And you…”

He pushed out a sigh, then looked at her again. “I didn’t want you to suck me in, but you did. You and Abbie both. And now that I am…” His lips pressed together, he faced front again. “I can’t do this, Meg. Not to you.”

“Do what?”

“You’re like…some little wild thing that needs to be free. And I’d be your cage.”

She stayed still for a very long moment. “A cage? Or a safe place?” When he didn’t respond, she said, “If this is about sock drawers…I think we could work that out.”

He almost laughed. “See…I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“It’s okay. I do—”

“I’m sorry.” He looked at her, seeing his own anguish reflected in her eyes. “I really am.”

Several seconds passed. “Yeah,” she said at last, shoving open her door. “Me, too.”

“You need help with the baby?”

“Nope, I’m good,” she said, yanking open the back door and clumsily pulling the toddler out of the car seat, grabbing the baby bag. Then she slammed shut both doors and marched up the walk, the baby slumped against her chest, not even saying goodbye.

Russ had no idea how long he sat there, watching lights go on in her apartment, before he finally pulled away, feeling more wretched than he would have thought possible.